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Askew Review 15

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TERMINATRIX (Central Park Media) 70 minutes.  Unrated, sex, nudity, language, violence. Starring Kei Mizutani. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.  In the future, dark and terrible things rule the world.  One lone human starts a resistance that gains momentum, and fans the dying embers of hope into the flames of revolution.  To protect their rapidly slipping grasp, the faceless evil government sends a killer cyborg into the past to eliminate the parent of this charismatic individual.  To save their future by going to the past, one other lone human returns with dire warnings and a message from the future, “your child will be our hope.”
       If you thought I was talking about The Terminator, you’d only be 75% right.  Terminatrix follows the form of the infamous low budget Killbot-from-the-future Flick darn near to a t.  The big divergence is instead of a future ruled by robots; it is a future where sex is regulated.  And the characters played by Ahhnold and Michael “I never make it to the damn sequel” Biehn are instead played by Asian girls without much in the way of clothing.  And the Asian girl from the future is here to save the penis of one Kota Sera, a scrawny little lothario in danger from the Terminatrix.  She doesn’t feel pain, she doesn’t feel remorse, she doesn’t wear panties, and she absolutely, positively won’t ever stop, until she’s smooshed Kota’s package.
       What can I tell you?  The acting is bad, the effects are bad, the dubbing is bad.  But boy oh boy, did I laugh my jaded posterior off.  It is a ludicrous soft-core porno knock off of The Terminator, shot for about 50,000 yen.  And it is quite fun.  Imagine a Troma remake of The Terminator, minus blood.  Now sub in an all-Japanese cast.  If you don’t like cheesy knock offs, or object to nude Asian women, don’t watch this.  But if you like any of the above, sit down and have a good chuckle.  
       And just as an aside, if anyone meets me claiming to be from the future, carrying a warning from my future self, I swear I’m going to listen.  No good has ever come from ignoring people from the future.    –Vic Badger


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