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Askew Review 15

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(Sub Rosa) 2003. Horror. Too long. Rated R. This was the worst double feature I have ever experienced! I was ready to call Sub Rosa and ask for my hours back. 'Dead Girl On Film' was so bad I had to turn it off, I shut this movie off mere minutes before the "climactic end" because I simply didn't give a fuck what happened.
     Obviously, the move is written and directed by the same loser who stars in it, and the one redeeming thing about this film is that the guy "Jimmy" looks EXACTLY like Natalie from 'The Facts Of Life." They even have the same haircut! If this guy had one of those boarding school uniforms on you would swear it was Natalie. You remember, the plumpish girl with the bangs who played sidekick to Blair, Jo, and Tutti? Yes, that right, this GUY has the same bangs as Natalie.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a low budget horror movie, some of my favorite films are low budget horror movies, even no-budget horror movies, and I can appreciate the concept of Gonzo filmmaking (no script or plan), but this movie was absolute trash. I wish this was Gonzo Filmmaking!
     Here's the lame-ass story line: Two guys make some "supposedly" S & M movies, then decide to take it a step further, did they do it? I don't know, or care!
     Everyone involved in this movie deserves to be drawn and quartered, then dismembered, and their body parts dragged around by a truck on dirt roads. Shit, that description was better than this whole movie!
     In the second feature, I hoped for some redemption, but it was futile. This movie 'Kitty Killers: It's A Zen/Death Thing' is another thrown together piece of shit. It is a fraction better than the first movie, but still not worth the DVD it's burned on.
A bunch of guys, a la Reservoir Dogs, pull off some crime. There is a decent crazy old guy in a wheel chair, but if you're looking for crazy old guys, get a real movie like 'The Bride Of Frank.
     One guy, apparently the zen leader, is part Aleister Crowley, part Mickey Rourke, but only in the most cliché, uninteresting ways. For example, he ties off some wounded guys leg so he'll get gangrene. The guy spouts off some garbage about death and slow death, but none of it memorable or original.
     If you think I am just full of sour grapes, then go rent it. Go ahead waste your time, your money, and your DVD power, and then tell me how you feel. You feel chumped, don't ya?
     Calling these two movies "B-movies" is like calling maggot-ridden dog food yummy. I'd rather be boiled in oil than watch either of these movies again.- Amy Bugbee



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