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By Ben Hunter
Below is a list of pranks I’ve been a part of that I’ve never
previously chronicled in other stories. Many
thanks to Larry and Bob, my co-conspirators in most of the tales below, for
helping me remember some of these shenanigans.
Brought nightcrawlers (for the
uninitiated, nightcrawlers are extremely long, fat worms) into a bar and put
them in people’s drinks.
Smuggled a garbage bag containing
a large amount of semi-frozen dog shit scraped off of my driveway into this same
bar. Surreptitiously emptied it
into a big pile near some people we didn’t like very much and watched as they
tracked through it (and sometimes stood squarely in it) throughout the night.
Dropped a potato in one of the
pockets of the only pool table in the bar mentioned above.
After a half an hour of consternation, one of the bartenders took a side
panel off of the pool table and found the trouble.
Waving it over his head, he shouted, “It was a potato.
Found various foodstuffs,
including potatoes, in a pantry during a large party.
Threw them into a ceiling fan and watched as they shot out in all
directions at great velocity, resulting in great anger and confusion amongst the
Put peanuts and cooking oil on a
roller rink floor during “Backward Skate,” causing some severe tumbles.
Changed a sign in Sea World’s
executive function parking lot that read “McDonald’s Parking” to
As Larry was lying back in a big
barber chair having various forms of alcohol poured into his mouth at a swingin’
college party, I winged a giant Sweet Tart at him from across the room.
Without even nicking a tooth, it shot straight down his throat.
The subsequent unmanly gagging was mistaken by most to be a result of an
intolerance for the liquor.
Opened up jars of peanut butter
(this was before they had the protective covering under the lid) at our local
grocery store and wrote the word “Hi” in the peanut butter.
Also placed fake ants in some jars.
Put up hardcore porn shots of the
ugliest models we could find at various places in several malls.
A favorite spot was in the model kitchens and bathrooms at Sears.
Bob slipped a playing card with a
well-hung naked man on it into the “Things to Do in Springfield” glass
display booth at Logan Airport.
Broke open a stink bomb in our
friend Ted’s dining room just as his visiting extended family was about to
have dinner. As we were leaving, we
heard Ted’s stepmother angrily say to his dad, “Jesus, Roger!”
Waited near the green as 3
golfers (they looked to be a boy, his father and his grandfather) teed off.
After the balls landed, we somersaulted into the sand traps, rolled
around a bit, then ran onto the green, grabbing two of the balls and tossing
them into the woods nearby. This prompted the father to shout the most agonizing
“HEYYYYYY!” I’ve ever heard. Filmed
the whole thing in 8mm.
Placed a sign that read “Sweet
Corn” in my grouchy boss’s front yard. He arrived home to find 3 or 4 cars parked in his driveway
and several bewildered looking elderly people wandering around his property.
Because he lived on a very busy road, it took about 20 minutes for all
the confused corn-seekers to back out of the driveway and leave the premises.
Tossed full cups of beer onto a
crowded dance floor as the lights shut off in time with the beat.
Watched as people were smiling and dancing as the lights went out, then
soaking and scowling as they came back on a few seconds later.
Drove around with mannequin legs
sticking out my passenger side window, making it look like I had a woman lying
across my lap. Glued black and gray
pubes fashioned from an old wig to the same lower torso, put shorts on it, and
then flashed other motorists as we passed them.
Found cardboard boxes containing
old glassware in a dumpster and placed them in one lane of a small rural
highway. Stuck local election signs
stolen from nearby yards into the boxes and forced oncoming traffic to drive
into these creations by strategically placing our car in the opposite lane.
Put orange traffic cones stolen
from Sea World across 3 separate portions of the local school bus route, causing
lengthy delays that resulted in the bus being late for school.
Tossed a lit firecracker taped to
a rock into an occupied public restroom stall.
I’d like to take the best parts of this list, along with some of the
pranks I’ve written about before, and put together a prank column of sorts.
If you’ve ever pulled asshole stunts like these (maybe you sprayed mace
through a fan at a crowded party, causing severe eye irritation and choking
amongst those nearby), I’d love to hear about it.
If it makes me laugh, I’ll put it in the story (giving you full credit
for your juvenile behavior, of course). E-mail
me at firstname.lastname@example.org
with your stories. And for God’s
sake, grow the hell up already!